Elementary Health Class is Where it All Began…


Am I the only person who thinks germs are like little creatures that crawl up your nose and latch onto a nose hair until you breathe deeply and slide down your throat? Okay maybe, but I am going to share my theory anyway so let it be known, you have been warned and can stop reading now if you so choose!

Remember the health commercials they used to show us in school where your toothbrush would talk to you about gingivitis and the importance of brushing? Yes…I know whoever thought up this commercial for kids thought it would be a great way to teach children about brushing….HOWEVER….what they failed to recognize is that there are children out there, like me, who have vivid imaginations and now all inanimate objects and germs have little cartoon faces and talk to me….thanks a lot elementary school health…

Whenever I go into a room full of people and someone coughs, it is like I can see the germs from that cough going flying through the air like they are riding a wave of oxygen….”WOOHOOO”…they scream as they pelt themselves into the direction of the next person.  If they are lucky, you can see them land directly in a nose or mouth….if not, you can see the little germ slowly heave its way into a orphus and wave at you while they plant their flag up the persons nose…victory is theirs!  Yes…they carry a flag! Back off!

I can almost guarantee the next time I see that person they will have a cold….maybe I am actually just psychic…or is this what psychic’s feel like? Like, “see, I knew that was going to happen…Can you not see the germie and all his friends?!”

It is really a weird vision but one of many that I have….

The same kind of thing happens when I go to throw something out….when I have something in my possession that I know I should just throw out…it is like it speaks to me saying, “no! please don’t throw me out! I will be useful to you someday! I PROMISE.” Then I cave and keep it!

For instance, stuffed animals….well they kind of already have the face so that makes it twice as hard but seriously…I am in my late 30’s now, no young children in my life and here I am with a bag of stuffed animals….I can’t throw them out because their little voices will pain me forever and I can’t give them away without going through a HUGE interview process to the person who will get them.

Me: Please fill out this application.

Kid: I can’t read or write yet

Me: Yeah, well….You can’t have my cookie monster either then!

Kid: Huh?

Me: Yeah….that’s what I said….How would I know you wouldn’t rip off his googly eyeball just to use it for ping-pong? I know how you kids work….seems like a good idea at the time but then you have a pirate cookie monster and you stop loving him….It’s all in the contract right here for you to sign but you can’t read or write…so sorry…come back when you can….and we will start this process again…

Yeah….I think I may be a little possessive crazy sometimes…I am not alone on this…am I?



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