I Am Not Drunk…It’s Just An Alien!

An alien has landed on my face…..It’s there! I can see it! It is a creature that attaches itself directly to my ears and covers my eyes…this creature is green and slimy and makes me sick to my stomach.

What is it really you ask? I know you didn’t actually ask but too bad…you must be reading this to find out so I am going to tell you anyway….

The alien lives in my mind…he has the penthouse suite and munches on my thoughts….the thoughts of “I am not doing enough”, “Work harder…why did you pick that to wear? I know it’s 4am but isn’t this a great time to start thinking about everything you have to do?!”

I hate aliens….

I resist them and then they hang onto my face even tighter….I can only imagine what it would be like to beat one up!  Pulverize it…only it is attached to my face and so I don’t want a black eye….

How do you kill an alien? Are they allergic to peanuts? Everyone else in the world is….then that would make everyone else aliens….man, I hope I am not surrounded by these brain suckers!  That is what they do….they suck out the logical part of your brain and replace it with panic and worry.  Then I sit there with that stunned look on my face trying to figure out what to do first and in turn do nothing….

So if you ever see me sitting in a corner looking drunk and stunned….chances are it wasn’t the tequila at all…(maybe it was but let’s not blame that)…I have been taken over by an alien and need you to find an alien wrestler to remove its grip on my face.

Capiche?

Rock Paper Scissors WORLD SOLUTION!

To settle any argument the solution that has been tried and tested over and over again is the greatest and one of the oldest games out there….

ROCK PAPER SCISSORS

You MUST call out the rules before the first 1-2-3 count happens or you have to take first round rock paper scissors and in my opinion it is a better game when there is multiple rounds involved… If you are looking for further instruction on this game….all I can say is be sure to stare down your opponent with one eye and with the other watch to see what is about to happen with their fist….are fingers about to slide into scissor formation? Hand flat-out about to be revealed?

Don’t let the game get violent….no rocks, paper or scissors should be harmed during solving an argument!  You can use this to decide who is doing the dishes? Which side of the bed to sleep on? Who has to take out the garbage? What movie to go see?

I just realized!!! Life would be a lot less stressful if we just used this to solve all the worlds problems! Let us take this to the government! Can you imagine parliament decisions being made?? I would watch THAT on television for SURE!

I think I may win a nobel prize for this one people!

Elementary Health Class is Where it All Began…

Am I the only person who thinks germs are like little creatures that crawl up your nose and latch onto a nose hair until you breathe deeply and slide down your throat? Okay maybe, but I am going to share my theory anyway so let it be known, you have been warned and can stop reading now if you so choose!

Remember the health commercials they used to show us in school where your toothbrush would talk to you about gingivitis and the importance of brushing? Yes…I know whoever thought up this commercial for kids thought it would be a great way to teach children about brushing….HOWEVER….what they failed to recognize is that there are children out there, like me, who have vivid imaginations and now all inanimate objects and germs have little cartoon faces and talk to me….thanks a lot elementary school health…

Whenever I go into a room full of people and someone coughs, it is like I can see the germs from that cough going flying through the air like they are riding a wave of oxygen….”WOOHOOO”…they scream as they pelt themselves into the direction of the next person.  If they are lucky, you can see them land directly in a nose or mouth….if not, you can see the little germ slowly heave its way into a orphus and wave at you while they plant their flag up the persons nose…victory is theirs!  Yes…they carry a flag! Back off!

I can almost guarantee the next time I see that person they will have a cold….maybe I am actually just psychic…or is this what psychic’s feel like? Like, “see, I knew that was going to happen…Can you not see the germie and all his friends?!”

It is really a weird vision but one of many that I have….

The same kind of thing happens when I go to throw something out….when I have something in my possession that I know I should just throw out…it is like it speaks to me saying, “no! please don’t throw me out! I will be useful to you someday! I PROMISE.” Then I cave and keep it!

For instance, stuffed animals….well they kind of already have the face so that makes it twice as hard but seriously…I am in my late 30’s now, no young children in my life and here I am with a bag of stuffed animals….I can’t throw them out because their little voices will pain me forever and I can’t give them away without going through a HUGE interview process to the person who will get them.

Me: Please fill out this application.

Kid: I can’t read or write yet

Me: Yeah, well….You can’t have my cookie monster either then!

Kid: Huh?

Me: Yeah….that’s what I said….How would I know you wouldn’t rip off his googly eyeball just to use it for ping-pong? I know how you kids work….seems like a good idea at the time but then you have a pirate cookie monster and you stop loving him….It’s all in the contract right here for you to sign but you can’t read or write…so sorry…come back when you can….and we will start this process again…

Yeah….I think I may be a little possessive crazy sometimes…I am not alone on this…am I?

It’s A Wag Bag World!

I had a friend of mine and Fernando’s call us up and ask us if we wanted to climb Mount Whitney (14,000 feet) in the Sierra Nevada….we had never climbed anything than a flight of stairs so of course our answer was SURE!!

We had quite a few months notice so there was plenty of time to train….and by train I mean, Fernando constantly telling me I needed to prepare while he went to the gym, went to the park and climbed hills….became a fitness guru while I packed my nifty new knapsack full of text books and walked to and from work on a street with no hills….this was before my actual fitness days……

The time finally came and Fernando had great concerns about me….and so did the others we were meeting up with…it was pretty clear to everyone BUT me that I had no idea what I was in for.

The morning of the climb I awoke to some pretty bad cramping, only to discover that “my lady friend” had decided to join me on this trip…NOT a lady friend whom I would share a beer with…oh no…good old Flow….venomous witch that she was!  YAY! I was so thrilled….<insert sarcasm here!>….needless to say I was not about to back out of anything after Fernando had voiced his concerns for many month’s prior to this about if I could do it or not….Being the stubborn Taurus that I am, I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! (I should really have warrior armour and a sword to declare this…for dramatic effect)

Then came the moment when I realized that we had to carry…ummm….all of our “waste”…including human waste up and back down the mountain.  Okay, so let’s be clear….if a bear takes a dump in the forrest…does HE have to clean up his little snicker doodle? Nope! BUT people do! Oh yes! and Mr. Forest Ranger will even supply you with this nice little black plastic bag to do so….the WAG BAG!

How did the “wag bag” get its name? Is that just a nicer way of saying doggy poop bag?  Okay, it was a little nicer than a doggy poop bag…maybe that’s why it got such a fancy name…I don;t know why I thought there would be porta-potties along the way….sometimes I am so naive….

I won’t go into the “details” of this adventure with the wag bag…but what I can tell you, is you come off the mountain with a WHOLE NEW appreciation for indoor plumbing and the “flush” factor….especially when Flow joins you for a trip up!! How did cave women do it? Seriously? Well, I know how NOW!!

The good news is that I ended up jack rabbiting up that mountain and arrived before any of the others I was travelling with, with no acclimatization issues…(Fernando was not so lucky and spent the entire trip with a massive headache…it was probably just Karma kicking him for being on back about not training!That’ll teach ya!) I mean really, who knew a Prairie girl could climb a mountain?!!!

Fernando and I cemented our relationship on that trip…I mean anytime you can share a tent with your lover for 3 days, no make up, no shower, eating rehydrated space food, (drinking box wine….oh yes! I carried that wine up!! Best drink ever!!), pooping in a bag and carrying it with you and NOT be repulsed by the person you are with….Yep! LOVE IS IN THE AIR!  It doesn’t smell as “sweet” as I thought it would…..happy to drop that wag bag on our way down, grab a beer and a burger before heading to Las Vegas for a shower!

Would I do it again? YEP! Sure would!

Here is the pic from arriving safely back at the bottom of the mountain….You can tell he must REALLY love me for what’s on the inside in this pic!

It’s About Loving and Caring For One Another…

Someday’s there just isn’t all that much that I can see the humor in.  Sometimes there is sadness and yet an appreciation for life.  This entry is not one that you will laugh at but it is an experience and one that has taught me a lot along the way….

Since Grade 9, (many many many moons ago) myself and many of my close friends and family have experienced a lot of untimely death’s.  I am not talking about 1 or 2 people you may know that die from a disease but a high number of people who have passed that are my own age either by disease, accidents or by suicide. (a high number of suicides..)  I honestly have stopped counting.  I used to count and keep track and go back over the “why’s and how come them?” thoughts and “how could we have saved them? And why didn’t we know?”

This over thinking has never really provided me with much other than the thought to live my life and to live it like every day could be my last.

A no hold’s barred approach…AND if I personally ever get down, to get in communication with people who can support me in getting back on track.  I wish that everyone really knew that there is nothing bad enough to ever take your life over.  We were all “given” life.  Life IS worth living and when you take it, it not only ends your own permanently, it also cuts a little piece out of the people who loved you lives as well.

With losing people to disease, it is sad, however, I hope that they gave it all they had while they were here! You know, sometimes people who pass on at a young age….they may not have had an opportunity to live to be old but what they did in the time they were here was awesome and we can treasure that.

Because of this, everyday for me is like a new beginning….could be why so many crazy things happen….or why I am constantly thinking too much…I really think a lot…except for when I am about to speak sometimes….sometimes I just un lodge my foot from my mouth and go for it and then wish the foot was still in there…but hey…that IS a part of life too. To make mistakes and live with NO regrets.

In the month of love, tell someone how much you care….even tell them as just being human being to human being….you don’t need to know someone to let them know they are important. You never know what life you may touch or even save by just a smile…a hello…a kind word.

Reach out to others and feel alive….because YOU ARE!

 

 

Pedicure Hokey Pokey!

So, this really has nothing to do with being raised on the Prairies because I am actually clear that many of my friends back home have gone for manicure and pedicures (Yes, Prairie people are very well-groomed and are not red-necks….we only tease city people about having to use an out house and what is running water for our own entertainment to watch you believe us) I just never really was one for going to “pay” to get my nails done.

By the way, side note, the joke about the prairies and seeing our dog running away for days….HAHAHAHA….Not funny…really…no kidding…whoever tells that joke, we as prairie people, are more likely to be polite to your face and quickly find a way to walk away from you….if you think we have not heard that joke a million times…you are crazy and should run away for days and we will see if we see you!

The first time I had a pedicure in Ontario was because Kimmie said that this is what people do to “treat” themselves…what a concept…it never occurred to me that this should just be something I do every month or so to treat myself.  We lived in a neighborhood that had nail salons on almost every corner so it was quite easy to get in.

All was going well with my relaxing pedicure until the “foot scraper” came out. Here is the issue….I am one of those people who will either pee their pants laughing (I don’t want to talk about it…) or hit the ceiling hyperventilating when someone touches my feet.

It gets worse…..the foot scraper is like a little razor they use to remove dead skin, or so they want you to believe but I think it is used to get to your virgin foot skin(you know, the soft skin hiding under all those hard layers you have built up to protect it…kind of like big brothers protecting their little sister)….THEN they take this crazy foot stone and rub it back and forth across the sole of your foot….I swear to you, it takes two people to hold me down while this procedure is being done.  I am beginning to believe this is just cheap entertainment for the ladies who work at nail salons….like that stone actually DOES NOTHING but make you want to jump up uncontrollably and do the hokey pokey, which then has all the staff in the salon laughing with delight and begin clapping in unison…suddenly you are doing river dance and the bag pipes come out…wait that is just you honk-laughing…never mind..

I squirm, laugh out of control, squeal,  bite my fist just to stop myself from having an accident….it is quite the ordeal.  The ladies who work there all get to know me quite well and usually give me a hug when I leave. I am not sure if they give me a hug because I am the best entertainment they have had all day or they feel sorry for having played their little game on me.

I am on to you Nail Ladies!

See you next month!

Cooking….The Second Addiction

I am not quite sure at what point since moving out here that I learned to cook but now getting me out of the kitchen on a Sunday is nearly impossible…unless I have just won a vacation or been surprised with a vacation or….well actually it would just be a free vacation that could get me out of the kitchen….Are you reading this? You know who you are! <wink wink…nudge nudge..>

I mean, when I lived on the prairies, I could burn toast, blow up eggs in a microwave, try to boil water and forget about it and it all evaporate leaving a pan to burn.

It was quite sad actually….I think I stayed serving in restaurants for a long time just to make sure I would be fed.

It wasn’t like I moved out here and suddenly knew how to cook…that would be ridiculous…It may have come from Kimmie and I playing the game “What concoction can we whip up from what is left in the fridge?”……Oh yes! This was a brilliant game full of ingenious new recipes never to be repeated twice!  Sometimes I am not sure what we actually ate…not going to ask…it is not a part of the game…

Or the fact that I spent my first year out here eating A LOT of macaroni n’ cheese and ramen noodles….this gets tiring fast.

Doesn’t matter now how, but the thing of it is that I am so obsessed with cooking that on my only day off a week, I spend about 5 hours cooking. I cook enough food for a freaking army (ALWAYS…can’t quite master normal portions) and then freeze a bunch and have meals throughout the week. Who wants sheppard’s pie….again?

“Cabbage rolls? Sure! There are 4 left, you have only had them every day for last 5 days…..Sir…you may not want to stand behind me….oops….”

I am a crock pot connosieur….had three of them at one point…never actually cooked with all three at one time but if it came down to it….give me 5-8 hours on low temp with a game of “what’s in the fridge?” and I could have all three of those pots cookin’…..slowly….but they would be cookin’!

I go nuts on cooking day…..I boil a dozen eggs(which I don’t eat really…they are just for Fernando…I like fresh eggs but I like to boil things and they not explode like the last time)…because you never know when you may want egg salad or just to pop a hard-boiled egg….I make fresh juice….moreso because I like to use the machine…..it’s fun and crunch’s veggies and fruit….I will marinate stuff so the next day its ready to go, I will churn out three different styles of pasta and freeze it (and tend to forget I did that….).

I think the people I live with have not tried to stop me because a) they are not interested in buying me a trip to the Caribbean or b) they are benefiting way too much from this insanity! Or c) both…..

I have to go….my cookies are almost ready!

Foldy Bikes and Groceries

Since moving to Toronto I have come into possession of an AWESOME “foldy” bike.  Thank you to a dear friend of mine and past boss for giving me this little mode of transit that I delight in so much!

I love this bike! It’s not like a fancy bike like a cyclist would ride.  My butt thanks me every day that I do not plant my tooshy on one of those bikes. The idea of putting my butt on something the size of tree branch and then clipping my shoes into the peddles to try to hold on for dear life, is just an accident waiting to happen!

I am not sure how they even classify it as a seat….it is more like a perma-wedgie….no underwear needed….this wonderful seat will just tuck your entire pair of shorts up your…..okay okay…I will stop…

It’s uncomfortable! Those are my last words on that topic….

The great thing about living in Toronto is I can ride my bike everywhere…AND….I can slap a milk crate on the back and people think your “artsy” and cool! This also gives me the thought that I can do all my grocery shopping for the week on my little bike.

I always buy way too much and then fill the entire milk crate, my back pack and have at least 4 bags hanging off my handle bars. Come to think of it, I must resemble an urban Sherpa. Soon others are putting stuff in my basket and I have to wait for them at the top of the hill to give them their items…not even a thank you sometimes….jeesh….oh the woes of the Urban Sherpa!

It’s all about balance, ensuring that you have evenly distributed the vegetables and meat and fruit.

When playing the balancing game of groceries, for the love of God, DO NOT LET GO OF THE HANDLE BARS AND KEEP YOUR WHEELS OUT OF THE STREETCAR TRACKS!  This act will result in fruit rolling, bag handles breaking, wheels turning and legs mangled and your pride will be left waiting for you on the corner to be picked up while you do the walk of shame picking up your roll away zucchini’s…

If I have a car to get groceries….I want to see how many bags I can take into the house at one time ….nobody is telling me to do this…I just HAVE TO do it. I can’t help myself, it is like mission impossible!

These are the dilemma’s that plague city living!

You do it too….don’t deny it!

Neat Freaks and Crab Cakes

Neat people freak me out a bit. I am talking about the people who, I swear, walk around with a magnify glass to make sure everything is dust-free and contaminant free.  Have you ever noticed how these people tend to be the edgy people you work with or live with that will spaz out when the dishwasher isn’t loaded to perfection? Okay I get it…there is s system…TO YOUR MADNESS!!

Or they go off the rails when garbage doesn’t get out on garbage day, like that was the ONLY day it was ever going to be picked up and now you have ruined Christmas? How did Christmas get involved? Yeah, that is what I asked too!

I prefer to have one really messy drawer in my house to maintain my level of (in)sanity! Usually it is in the bathroom….I don’t really know why the bathroom other than the bottles for everything are in so many shapes and sizes that I have literally made myself crazy trying to organize them by size and have since given up.  I open that drawer and give a big sigh of relief for something that I see as art.

Art nowadays sometimes looks like a messy drawer….have you noticed? I love it when I go to someone’s house who I can tell is a neat freak and then upon their wall is a messy drawer framed for everyone to see. That is someone who wants to believe they are an artist and can handle mess but they really can’t because they had to make sure the mess was perfectly surrounded by a frame to contain it from spreading throughout the house.  When they are not looking, I think it would be funny to put some garbage or misaligned couch pillows below the picture and when they come back in the room gasp and scream “IT’S AN OUTBREAK!!!”

You should probably have your CPR training though if you do this. Chances are Mr. or Miss. (or maybe they are married to each other…so that would be Mrs. or Dr. or Dr. Mrs….or Sir…lets not forget Sir…) Neat Freak may go into cardiac arrest OR may trip over the mess you made while running to strangle you for this obscene gesture and then you perform resuscitation procedures on them until the ambulance arrives.  But then you realize they didn’t need to be resuscitated and now the vibe in the room is all weird….While you are explaining to them that their neat freak obsessions have caused all of this….if you get too close…they seriously may hurt you…

OR if you want them to notice the “outbreak” in their house later on….go into their bathroom and mess up a drawer so that when they are getting ready for bed they discover it and then when they call you to freak out…(this is a better option if you don’t know CPR) you can deny but secretly giggle as you blame it on whoever else was there (make sure someone else was there though if you do this…otherwise you look dumb)….or you can squeal with delight “Happy Out of the Ordinary Day!”….or make up some holiday as to why it looks like that because people really like holidays and for the most part they may be able to look past what you did. You will know if it worked if they invite you back again but if they don’t you may have lost a Neat Freak friend….it’s kind of tragic…

Maybe you shouldn’t do this to them. If you love your friends and family and want to be at the next dinner party because they make fabulous crab cakes, just play this one out in your head.

Mmmmmm……Wasabi…..

Coming from the prairies, we didn’t eat a lot of sushi. Who am I kidding….we DIDN’T eat sushi! I didn’t know what sushi was except for it was something that sometimes you saw being eaten in a movie!  If it wasn’t steak and potatoes or chicken or ground beef then we didn’t have it.

I am not complaining at all! I still LOVE steak and potatoes and chicken and eat them all regularly and now I have a pallet for MANY kinds of foods! I am sure though that I must have looked like a little kid at 26 years-old trying sushi for the first time.   The first time I tried it, the guy next to me said…”do you like hot food?”

ABSOLUTELY I DO!! His face lit up, well kind of more like creepy-like, like “HAHAHAHA….this is gonna be killer funny!”….I should have really questioned his motives but I was a little naïve in this department. He said “Oh! Well then, you have to put that green stuff on your sushi. It’s hot and makes it taste even better!”

I was so excited! I took a big stab of the green stuff with my chop stick (I really did stab it….it has taken me YEARS to master how to hold a chop stick properly) and put it on top of my California roll and popped it in my mouth.

I am not really sure at what point my sinuses cleared and I started to cry and my ears turned into fire rings but I think I understood that GREEN MEANS HOLY HOT!! I continued to eat each piece of sushi with just a little less wasabi than the first bite but something kept drawing me to the experience of burning my tongue, clearing my sinuses, releasing tears and sweating all at once! I kind of like it to be honest! Whenever I have a cold or feel off….I just want sushi.  I want to internally burn the you know what out of my body from the inside and wasabi is the King in this department.  Point to note: What burns going in….ummm….burns going out. (I am not saying ANY MORE on this topic! Just thought you should know….BE PREPARED!)

To this day, I am a lover of sushi and I cannot get enough wasabi! I ask for extra all the time and they look at me like I have horns coming out of my head. Maybe I do?! I haven’t checked recently…

To the gentleman who thought telling me to put on the green stuff I thank you, even though I am pretty sure you were trying to pull a fast one on the Prairie Girl……You have supported me in having guts of steel! Boo-ya!

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