Mad Cow Disease and Day Light Savings Time

This morning I began my day with my regularly anticipated rant that begins the week before the time change happens….poor Fernando…he gets it every time! I struggle with this big time, every time it happens!

Here is the thing….Saskatchewan does not change time…smartest people in the world, if you ask me…(I know you wanted to ask me who the smartest were..now you know…you’re welcome!) time does not actually “change” people!

Who is he? This magic time wand waver? Really who? I want to stomp on his foot! It’s gotta be a guy because Mother Nature gets blamed for enough..wait…I just got it…its Father Time!! I am freakin’ BRILLIANT this morning…(all this thinking is going to hurt later…..wine please!)

See, prairie people get it….you may be able to “tip” a cow while its sleeping (been there..done it…you really can) but you cannot “trick” a cow into changing its feeding patterns! The cows would all be out there in the field like “WTH??? Where’s my food?? I am hungry!”

They have four stomach’s!!! Cows count on their food at specific times!! (Am I, and the Saskatchewan people the only one’s who get this? This should make International News…I would read about all of this over Justin Bieber any day! This is REAL Canadian news.)

You know how mad you get when you get super hungry? Ya! Times that by FOUR stomach’s all growling at once!! Now we discover where mad cow disease comes into play. (Father Time…you really should have had a consult with the farm animals before making big decisions like this. Bad call…Bad call…)

Then in the fall…the cow’s just think we are dorks because we feed them an hour earlier.  If you listen really close you can hear them out in the field… “This dude is trying to feed me and I am not hungry yet…moron…now it is not going to be fresh when I get to it…great…”<insert cow sarcasm here>

Now we have a world of mad cattle and wonder where Mad Cow Disease came from…Hello! People! Are you listening??

The cows have been telling us for years now by getting angry and then making us sick….I salute the Saskatchewan people today for being the smartest people in keeping happy cattle in the pastures….until they go to the slaughterhouse…wow…that just took a wrong turn for them….sorry….

Let’s “milk” this theory for all it’s worth and STOP changing time….(that was a good pun and totally intended.)

Happy Friday! I know your weekend will be much better now that you know this.  Please feel free to send it to your local news station…cuz this is breaking news!

These are my AWESOME parents from the Prairies…while they are not farmers, they are Saskatchewanians so they are 2 of the smartest people in the world for sure! AND they birthed and raised me….so I know I got the “smart” gene (it’s hereditary…thank god!)! 🙂

From Suits to Pyjama Jeans!

I have nothing to wear….this is not a new comment I make….as my closet busts open….I need an outfit for every occasion and rarely do I want to wear it twice…why? Because technology now has it that anytime we are out with people, they take a picture on their phones or yours and before you know it you have uploaded it to Facebook, twitter, Instagram….and someone has pinned it as either the worst outfit they have seen or the best…and then you can’t wear it again because it will confuse people like, “Oh, I thought you were at that party for saving the whales, I could have sworn I seen you there but then I saw a picture of you in that cool dress at the premiere of Mission Impossible?  So where were you really?” Yeah, see what I mean….confusing…

I also used to be a business suit woman 24/7.  Stripes, business jackets, hair done just right, with an edge of sass! (Oh, I could/can wear a suit….and not just a plan black one…had me a John Travolta(remember the white one with bell bottoms and big lapels?, Stayin’ Alive suit…and a hot pink suit…I knew how to work it! Leopard prints and all)

Let’s talk shoes….I apparently LOVE them and had no idea….while I used to be able to run a marathon in a stiletto, which to this day I still buy all the time and don’t knowwhy because I rarely will wear them (literally used to wear them ALL THE TIME….my 20’s were full of running through airports in high heels….I got really good at this…this is another thing that I would like to see in the Olympics….Olympic committee…please note that this is now a petition entry and would like to see this added ASAP….thank you), I could jump tall buildings in a single bound! (I really don’t know that for sure but being I am a Superhero in my mind….I think I could do it!)

One of my favorite articles of clothing now that is not related to my work is my Superman sweatshirt (everyone should have one…)are my socks with mustaches on them (because all feet should have mustaches…why not?!)

I am not sure when the moment happened that I went from stilettos and business suits to runners/flip-flops and neon colored workout clothes (I secretly love the 80’s and 90’s so much I am choosing to stay in this time period…who says you can’t stop time?! I did!) Guess it came down to finding my dream career that allows me to laugh, play and be a goof while wearing neon pink leg warmers, pyjama jeans, bracelets with bells, headbands and tank tops….finally nobody questions what I am wearing….it would actually be weird if I showed up in a suit…

Life is good….

My FAVORITE suit! I rocked alot of hair colors along the way too…multi-hair colors too….I think I may be color blind a bit…hmmm…

Spatula’s Are Not Fireplace Tools! Who Knew?!

What possibly could go wrong when you have a fireplace in a second floor apartment?  Kimmie aka: Eileen and I (Yes! I have asked at least ONE person about using their actual name….see….it is all coming together…slowly but surely) …had a great apartment on the second floor of a house on Roncesvalles.  This place was awesome….small…but awesome….what made it super awesome was it had a fireplace.

I had never had a fireplace before (you know this doesn’t turn out well…right? That sentence in itself should set you up with an OMG moment..) and knew that there were “probably” some precautionary measures I should be taking before lighting it….like opening the latchy-thing  so all the smoke goes out of the house not into it.  (Yes, my technical terms of fireplaces astounds me too!)

One night I decided it would be great to read a book by the fireplace like they do in movies.  You know what I am talking about….the crackling fire while one reads and sips on scotch or a martini…I was going for scotch this night(details can be so important when it comes to drink choices)…. This house had three floors and all apartments had tenants….good for me…not so good for them…

I followed the instructions to how to lift the latchy-thing in the fireplace so the smoke would go out and then lit the fireplace. All was going well until I heard a loud bang and soon discovered that the latch-thingy had collapsed and now smoke was pouring into the apartment…ummm…what do I do??

First note, oven mitts are meant for ovens…and you should probably own all the proper fireplace “tools” before igniting a fire in one….a spatula is not going to cut it to lift the latch-thingy back into place very easily.  (I always thought a spatula was like a “go to” tool when you needed to do anything….nope…it is not….lesson learned)

As the apartment began to fill with smoke and the alarms began going off….suddenly there was a knock at the door….as I fought my way through the billowing smoke towards the door I got my composure together….

Answering very non chalant…. “Hi, can I help you?”

Upstairs dude: “More like can I help you?? Are you okay? Why is your apartment filled with smoke?”

BUSTED!!

Me: “You wouldn’t happen to know how to lift a fireplace latchy-thing back up once a fire has started do you?”

Upstairs dude: “Yes!”

As he pushed his was into my apartment, I couldn’t help but think Superman really DID live upstairs from us!  How COOL is that!! My kind of luck!

He quickly, and I am not even sure how because I was still wearing the oven mitts and holding the spatula, opened the latchy-thing and the smoke began going up the chimney. In minutes I could see again where he was as he made his way to the door rubbing his watering eyes. (don’t cry…Superman doesn’t cry….is he an imposter?)

Upstairs dude: “That was close! You okay?”

Me: “I am now…shall I bake a cake? I have this spatula that seems to be going to waste…”

Upstairs dude: “umm…I am okay….thanks…talk to you later!”

Me: “Ok, thanks again” <door closes> “SUPERMAN!”

As I warmed myself by the burning fire drinking scotch and airing out the apartment it became increasingly clear to me….that….spatula’s are for “in the kitchen” only…

Glad I learned that one! 😉

Phew!

Not sure how I fell on Kimmie aka: Eileen here….that is not important..look past the crazy women….look at the beautiful little fireplace in the background….yeah…we borrowed that screen from a friend..should have borrowed the tools too!

What Is Being In Love?

For the longest time I never really understood the term “being IN love”….I dated a lot and liked a lot of the men I dated. I “thought” I loved them and I think in the world of just loving humanity, I truly loved them….just not in the way that being “in” love is really like.

Fernando was and still is a discovery in my life.  I have found that when you are “in” love you can say ANYTHING to the other person and there is not a lot of upset.  I never have to watch what I am about to say….like be concerned I will offend….(I am a little cheeky if you haven’t noticed so this has always been a concern for me…I know…you are shocked!)

All these crazy silly thoughts I have..…I have more than likely had a conversation with him about it….like now he really ponders about cave women and menstrual cycles, rodeo clowns, flying and not in a plane, he has grown to love gumby and pokey….you name it, he is in!

Which is when I realized what being “in” love really is for me…It is those moments I have with another human that they do not try to change me, they find my quirky ways cute and never ask me to be any other way, when he laughs with me until we both pee our pants (don’t tell him I told you that…), when he holds me when I cry and even if I don’t know why I am crying he just holds me, no questions asked…he sits with me and we talk until we both fall asleep, when we get annoyed with one another we actually say “You are annoying me right now…could you please stop talking….” Or like children on a playground in the middle of an argument we will declare to the other that we no longer want to play in the sand box right now and we are going to take our pail and shovel and leave…..(that may sound nuts to you but it makes us laugh and we realize how foolish our little argument is and then we kiss and make up! It really can be that easy!)

I found love in the most unexpected way and maybe that is one of the reasons why I treasure it so much….finding that person that you can laugh with, sing at the top of your lungs with, be totally uninhibited with, everything…..

I see all my past relationships as amazing and am happy to have had each one of them. (whether you still think I am a bonehead or not for leaving…you know who you are! ;)) They have helped me to discover how amazing it is to discover what being “in”love is.  The coolest part is I am still in contact with many of my past relationships, as is Fernando, and we are happy to see so many of them that have discovered what being “in” love is for them!

Relationships end but it doesn’t mean that you don’t still care about the person. There is something that had you be with them in the first place….they are not “bad”, they may just not have been Mr. or Miss Right for you!

Isn’t being human AWESOME?!

My wish for the world is more people who have children together would get this concept….It would make everyone’s life just a little simpler if you asked me! Yeah….I am saying you should ask me!!

Thanks for asking!

This is Fernando and I when we are reserved….no personalities I am telling you!

So Many Questions Such Little Time….

I never stop thinking….I guess if I did I would no longer be alive so this is probably good news….the issue is that I don’t sleep because of it and I rarely am able to relax…I mean…seriously…how do people do yoga?  I think I should go to one of those retreats where you can’t talk for 10 days and you meditate….the only thing is that I may actually go nuts listening to the voice inside my head….it is super loud and FULL of questions….

Some people say they love getting massages because it’s so relaxing….I struggle….all I can think is “hmmm….could she press harder, or no wait….that doesn’t feel good…did she just pull my toe? Why?….I wonder what groceries I should pick up after this? I am hungry! How weird would that be if someone walked in right now? This lotion she is using better be paraben-free…..what are parabens anyway? They sound like placebo’s and if that was the case then they are really just made up and I am having a placebo based massage right now….what does that even mean?”

Yes, relaxing is really NOT the word I use for massages….and yoga….really….I cannot calm down long enough to meditate…..I have so many questions when I meditate when I have tried yoga… like “why is the guy next to me breathing so hard? If I open my eyes right now will he be staring at me? That is creepy….How do you seriously bend like that? I think I just pulled my groin….yep…sure did…now I need a massage….DANG IT!!”

The cycle never stops….

Sleeping at night is no different….when I sleep I wonder what is going on outside the house….”is the bar-b-q safe out there? Are the neighbors up? Why did an ambulance just go by? Who died? Was that a clown car? I swear I heard a pack of hyenas run by!! Who is that snoring? Did somebody just come in the door? Why did the alarm not go off?”

I laugh by myself sometimes because I can hear myself thinking and I can’t shut it off…..some of what I ponder about is pretty hilarious…. to me anyway….like who invented nylons? Did the bra come to be because some lady got a black eye running one day?  Does my dog know English or is it like dog English and if it is dog English, what does that really sound like to him? AND is the English bull dog smarter than the rest at knowing english?”

So many questions, such little time….to take a nap….I’m tired….no I am not….no time for that….

This is my creepy face I like to make in public….gets us our own table in a quiet corner for sure….

Lessons I Have Learned….

I have learned quite a few valuable lessons along my 26 years on this planet….who am I kidding…28 I mean….get off my back already….ok….30….alright alright….38 but I feel like I am 21! In math that really counts for something!  It is but a number!

The valuable lessons I have learned:

1)      When you are a little girl, EVEN IF all your friends are boys….it does not make you a boy and you still need to wear your shirt like a girl in the summer….that was a tramatizing moment…more for my friends mom than me! Who knew at 5 you had to wear a shirt if you were a girl….I didn’t!

2)      Do not eat yellow snow, no matter how tempting it may look….which leads me to my next point…DO NOT under any circumstances stick your tongue to a pole in the middle of winter….it may sound obvious but if you’re a betting person like me…you may take this bet….it sucks…it really does!

3)      When a bully picks on you, stand up for yourself, you are worth it! (That happened in Grade 5 and anytime I have seen her since she STILL gives me the finger….I wave and blow her a kiss!)

4)      Be yourself, no matter how crazy you may seem to others…the people that stay in your life for you being you are the ones you will have around you for a lifetime.

5)      It is scarier to stay in a situation that is clearly not working then to jump out and start over.

6)      Due to the internet, people will cyber stalk you and want you to deposit 5 million dollars for them because they are in Nigeria and can’t because it was their Uncle’s money and they are fleeing something….don’t fall for it!

7)      If you laugh really really hard….you will pee your pants…

8)      You should believe in Santa for as LONG AS POSSIBLE! (To this day, I still have letters I wrote to the chubby man! HOWEVER, a little embarrassing in Grade 7 still trying to convince your friends to write to him…)

9)      Vacationing is not an option….it is a necessity! Getting Cuba’d is not! (for a later entry to discover!)

10)   You can make mistakes and still survive! I have this one down to a science! All good sir….nothing to see here!

11)   If where you live does not feel like home…move! Discovering new cities is an adventure! You will find lots of quirky things and people to laugh at…I mean with….

I have no more advice.  This is it. Life is complete. You may go now and prosper! And change your underwear if need be….

Wisdom is just oozing out of me here….the pondering continued for many hours until a naked man came streaking across the dessert…..I said “Sir! No More!” and he cupped his goodies and left with head hanging….you never know what you may find in the dessert…..

Planes, Trains, Gumby and Pokey!

Gumby and Pokey rock and it doesn’t matter how old or young you are….you should know who Gumby and Pokey are! (Teach your children right, I say! Who needs Power Rangers and Pokemon….Minions you do need though….be sure to have lots of minions in your house!)

Gumby is the little green dude with a high pitch voice who is always off on adventures with his horse Pokey!  I am not from the era of Gumby and Pokey….still much too young….I know…you thought I discovered the fountain of youth! Stop, now I am blushing….. (don’t stop…I like it! Hehehe)

Claymation is what has put basically everything we see in cartoons on the map! How exciting! Could you imagine, back in the day, when they used to have to take the clay figure, move it one inch, take a picture, move it again one inch and continue to repeat this process until you could put all the pictures together and see the figurine run! That is a lot of time, patience, dedication and clearly no social life! 

At home in each of my bathrooms, you will find Gumby and Pokey figurines…(they like the bathroom…they told me so…don’t judge…) I also have a set of them in my bedroom window….I keep them around so anytime you go to use the bathroom you can bend them and put them somewhere new! Like hugging the toothpaste or hanging from the faucet, or pumping the hand soap for you!  It is pretty fun to keep going to the bathroom exciting! (Yep, I know….that sounded really weird….)

I have also taken Gumby and Pokey on vacations with me! They love to travel and see the beach and drink wine and martini’s! Hey! They did their time in the spotlight….they can retire and kick back now and drink….Gumby may be bordering on an alcohol problem but we have let it slide a bit!  I hope when I retire someone will take me on vacations and steer the way while I drink martinis!

Every adult should find it within themselves to discover what toy/GI Joe/Incredible Hulk/Barbie/Misfit/cabbage patch kid/transformer that they remember as a kid and keep one handy! Relive your childhood and you never grow old!

 Gumby and Pokey….They are livin’ the dream I tell ya!

They ALWAYS hog the window seat! My one complaint!

 

I’m a Hugger NOT a Mugger!

That’s pretty good news isn’t it! I love hugging people….just because…. I love hugging them even when they don’t know that I’m going to hug them… it’s kind of weird for them… but awesome for me! 

The element of surprise!!

One of the things that I’ve noticed though is being involved with a boyfriend who’s  Italian(by the way…GREAT in the affection department…so if you are like me and love affection…Italians are where it’s at. <I got paid nothing to say that by the way…not even an espresso!>)  is that Italians hug and kiss each time they meet. So, I need somebody to tell me, because it’s been awkward in the hugging/kissing department  for the last 7 years….do you hug and kiss to the left or hug and kiss to the right first? I don’t know how this actually goes and what usually ends up happening is an awkward moment with me and an Italian trying to hug it out and kiss cheeks and then sometimes I end up kissing them on the lips and then it’s really weird… Maybe they like it? Maybe they like making sure that it’s awkward for everyone else who’s not Italian so that they get lots of lip kisses in their day!

Yeah! Well us Scottish/Norwegian people… we don’t do weird things like that, do we? I don’t even know!  I need to know what we do as Scottish Norwegians… maybe we actually do have some kind of a high-five or something….Maybe we kiss foreheads?  Hmmm…. that’s what I should take on from now on… I’ll just grab people and kiss them on the forehead and hug them… That won’t be awkward at all.

It won’t be awkward for me because I will know what’s going to happen… it may be awkward for them… I wonder what response I would get?

I will walk right up to somebody and give them a big hug and as they go in for the kiss on the cheek, I just grab their head and kiss their forehead… That could be a lot of fun…. I think this will be my new thing to do!

Muwaaahhhhhhhh!!!

This should be on a billboard for something…like “Vote for Me and FREE HUGS FOR ALL!”

Poking, Email Etiquette, Inner Pirates!

I get poked by A LOT of people….Not like poked poked in the form of being stabbed by a finger or a pen, I don’t mean in a sexual nature either…(AND that is just none of your business!)…I am talking about virtual pokings…it is like a drive by poking on facebook…..you see someone’s profile and think “Man, I should poke them!” and then you do and the poking war is on!  Maybe not a war….maybe for you it is a friendly poking…for me it is more like “I know…with time….I can out-poke you!” Ar…ar…ar…<my inner pirate just leaked out>

This is what the virtual world has come to.

I remember back in the day, when we used to walk UP HILL all the way to school in 10 feet of snow….(NO I DON’T!! I lived across the street from school and on the prairies….the only “up- hill” experience I had was if I walked over the snow bank my dad made with the snow blower…..I am also pretty sure that when my parents used this line on me….THEY didn’t have to walk up hill either….but carry on) where was I? Oh yeah….I remember back in the day when I would get requests to join facebook…. “So and so friends just joined and want you to join too”….I don’t follow the crowd generally so I ignored for quite some time…..

The requests just kept coming……LAY OFF PEOPLE…..Oops sorry cap locks got stuck….really wasn’t YELLING….now I just yelled…hehehehe….

That is the other thing about being on the computer….did you know about all this email etiquette? Ya….it is RUDE to CAPITALIZE things sometimes….or underline them and BOLD them….like now what I am saying to you is VERY IMPORTANT and I don’t think you are going to understand it so I have gone to ALL THIS WORK TO ENSURE YOU DO NOT MISS MY POINT!!!

It really is kind of rude…..

This must be internet rant day…..where was I? Facebook requests….right….so finally I decided in 2007 (I only know it was then cuz Facebook has told me….I rely on it a bit too much sometimes…I am expecting it one day to tell me when my next medical is due….) to join…..since then life has become a pretty public platform!  I see the people who try to hide and those who will show and tell you everything (I am in the middle somewhere….probably right between Social Sally and SHOW OFF Shawn! You know who you are! HAHAH….now you ALL want to know! (see this whole bold and underlined thing has really got you thinking “who is that?” Not telling!)

I used to be super private about my life but I hit a point where if you think what I have to write or say is interesting and you want to “like” it or VIRTUALLY “poke” me….then GAME ON!

It really is a poke, like, poke world out there….Poke…or be Poked….That is the question…

Hector (Can’t use his real name..haven’t asked for permission yet either from him! I am slow…) really LOVES this sock! He wanted to show it to you! You just smiled now….didn’t you? 😉

Mother Nature is CRUEL!

I cannot help but wonder about two things in life….snow and why mother nature thinks it is necessary….seriously, why? (I really do know why…but could there not be something better than snow?) It is cold, wet and white…(which means when dirt is added to it…it becomes a beautiful shade of grey…what is beautiful about that??)…it makes people miserable…..except Prairie people who still live amongst the snow for a greater part of the year!

Snow makes city drivers like Torontonians(sorry guys, your driving skills suck when the weather changes….you can always tell in Toronto who the person is who is NOT from the inner part of Toronto….they actually know how to drive! Thank you little Ontario towns people….you provide some sanity to the under qualified to drive people of Toronto! I am so gonna get punched for saying that by one of my friends who reads this….), complete idiots on the roads….like suddenly they can’t figure out how to use their breaks OR they go so slow they cause pile ups all over….OR they feel the need to hold up the highway to gawk at the accident that happened 2 billion miles away!

I have never really enjoyed the snow….moved partially out of the prairies to try to get away from some of the snow….moving west was not an option….East, I thought I had a better chance of getting away from it.  My first move out here was probably the dumbest most un-researched move I ever made landing myself right in the snow belt of Ontario….by the time I got to Toronto, I thought “YAY! I am free from harsh winters!”

Not true……dang it…..I had hopes Toronto was the NEW Florida! I still am pursuing this dream….

This year has proven nothing to me other than Mother Nature is really ticked and wants us all to know it…..she keeps dropping her white, cold, wetness on us like we should appreciate it….I DO NOT!  I think the stork who dropped me off to my parents (YES! I came by stork….how did you get here? Wait….I do not want to know!) sneezed (do birds sneeze? Really, I need to know….I made up that they do….but I haven’t seen one sneeze….Dogs and cats sneeze…hmmmm) in the air and I fell and that is how I landed in the prairies! VERY HAPPY to have the parents I have….NOT so happy landing in cold and snowy snowsville where winter seems to last 8 months out of the year.

I thought by moving out east I had solved this environmental issue. A little cold never hurt and for the first few years out here, it was not too bad….now the wrath of my reasoning is being tested.

I have a plan!! We should all run outside naked in the snow….do a dance and ask Mother Nature to knock it off.  She may take pity on our naked bodies and warm things up!  OR she may frost bite our cheeks (both sets) and make it colder to keep our tushies indoors a little longer…..

Who is willing to be the first to see if this will work?

We are stealing this truck and making a break for the border….think we will get far?! 😉